Alas, the diamond buying journey begins. Once upon a midnight dreary, where I ponder weak and weary, eyeballs glued upon this query, here I search though still quite leery.
That’s right Bub, you should be! Because if you think you’re smart, looking for a diamond on the internet, then you’d better be wearing asbestos shorts ‘cuz you can get your little hiney burnt bad if you don’t know what you’re doing. Before you will be able to successfully buy a diamond on the internet, you need to know how to decipher those diamond grading reports. But, you also need to know specifically what information to gather before you can make an educated decision. Because it really is not as simple as “Trust me, it’s GIA Excellent cut, point, and click!”
Diamond Buying Can Be Perilous!
However, that simple truth is the least of your problems! At a time when you should really be concentrating on memorizing Shakespeare’s sonnet “How do I love thee, let me count the ways” blah, blah, blah, and working very hard to create a chivalrous love-infested moment for your love slave (so that you might gather up all the brownie points you will need in the future) you have to be “Male” and turn “How to Buy a Diamond” into a Quest For Information and this little detour will take you on an adventure far past the realm of the average 4C’s Diamond Pamphlet and into the Land of Nice Ice Diamonds where The Wizard will provide answers to your questions, but the answers will lead to more questions…
The Challenge as I see it is that you got her hopes up when you asked her to marry you, but you neglected to mention your competitive urge to conquer the world diamond market and arise victoriously with the deal of the century before doing so. And men, women do not like to wait which is why they make us wait on them… you really need to get this, fortunately for you I am a relationship coach.
The reality is that you Type-A Engineer Guys have messed up the whole engagement process… Now pay attention, it’s supposed to work like this:
You wander aimlessly into the first jewelry store that you see… You say something like “Hi I’m in Love and I need to buy a diamond” and they respond by asking “How much?” while not-so-subtly pointing out with a slight wave of their hand across the showroom floor that perhaps you neglected to roll-in with a wheelbarrow containing 3 months of your hard-earned salary and then you buy a simple diamond solitaire in a price range you can “afford” and then you’re supposed to drop down on one knee and propose in some romantic fashion which she will remember forever… Duh!
Then after she bawls her eyes out and screams “!!! Yes !!!” in such a way as to disrupt everybody around you and rapes you in public, you’re supposed to go hopping off together to select the mounting of her dreams… This way you have managed to control the major portion of the purchase (the diamond) and create a moment she’ll remember forever. Get it?
You’re not supposed to be dragging your fiancé all over town, tormenting her with dreams of diamonds and mountings you can’t afford, or are too cheap to actually buy! Being a man of the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s, 80’s, 90’s or even the new millennium and not a direct descendent of Errol Flynn, we know it’s too late and you’ve already Eff’d this whole thing up beyond belief, especially if you’re an engineer like my dear old dad…
Mom waited twenty five years for that diamond (and then she had to buy it for herself). Your fiancé probably doesn’t even want to hear the word “diamond” anymore and has probably stopped answering your phone calls… We know you’ve been cut off from sex… So here you are, alone at night, cuddled up with your monitor and manila folder stuffed with:
- Every 4C’s leaflet known to man and published during the past 30 years.
- 82 business cards with bold faced lies and half-truths scribbled on the back in a language that only a jeweler and his elf could decipher.
- A spread sheet analysis of every fictional and non-fictional diamond you’ve heard of, dreamed of, and imagined. (Yes I do know you)
- Pictures and sketches of mountings she liked, you liked, and ones you can’t afford without promising your first born to the seller.
Great! Now that we’ve determined your “normal for Nice Ice” let’s see exactly how far you’ve buried yourself in your quest for the Holy Grail. Answering “Yes” to any ONE of the following questions, is a clear indication that you need professional help… preferably ours because it’s free.
- Does your fiancé believe that you’ve turned her engagement moment into another excuse to surf the net?
- Is your relationship beginning to resemble Custer’s last stand?
- Have you burned the bridges between you and every retail jeweler in your home state?
- Do your friends, relatives, and business associates run when they see you coming? Not towards you, away from you…
- Did your friends’ trusted jeweler throw you out and demand that they never refer another friend again?
- Are you being sued for Fiancée Alienation Syndrome?
- Are you tired of sleeping with one eye open?
- Is your dog burying the jewelry ads from the Sunday paper?
Well, have no fear, we’re going to help you get the rock that’s going to change your destiny, increase your sex life, give you muscles, help you lose weight, and put hair back on your head (chest optional)… That’s right; we’re going to make you a hero, in spite of yourself! So sit down, shut up, and hang on to your mouse! Nice Ice is going to show you how to do this through the Power of Shared Knowledge!